Last year I started writing on a different blog that I soon after abandoned. I was looking through some of those posts from a year ago and decided to bring some of them back with a flash forward update since SO much has happened in a year.
I wrote this blog post about the beginning of school in 2019. Little did I know what life would be like a year later. This blog brought up so many emotions. I was not happy at the beginning of the year, and the school year was definitely stressful for various reasons. But I made the best of it and we had a good year, even with the crazy ending.
What I found interesting as I reread this blog post was my lack of effort in trying to find something new. I finally decided to put in my AP application last year. I was moved forward to the second phase of the interview process, but didn't make it pass the data analysis task. My feedback basically made it look like I left out one thing they were looking for. I was pretty disappointed, but I was also unsure of what this school year was going to look like and felt comfort in returning to the position that I left in the spring. I'm still ready for something new, but I just wasn't sure what that should be with a new school year starting off working from home, while my kindergartener was also learning from home. I was going to be teaching a grade and subject that I have taught the past few years so I wouldn't have to be learning anything new.
However, this year has still left me feeling like I am missing out on something. So this fall I have began talking and networking. I have kept in contact with my previous principals and assistant principals who are in new roles. I am trying to be active on Twitter and putting myself out there. This is going to be the year where I will put in the effort to move up. I'm in the aspiring leaders cohort for my county. I'm going to apply and follow-up. I'm writing it into existence.
September 2019:
I come across as one of those people that always has it together. On the outside it's just how I am. However, what happens is that all of the stuff that I am trying to hide inside will build up until my body and mind can't handle it all and I tend to have some sort of meltdown. Sometimes this looks like me calling my mom and just venting until my heart is content. Other times it may be me crying in the shower when I'm finally alone. I am working on how to handle these feelings.
I began to notice that I wasn't ok at the beginning of the school year. I typically LOVE back to school time because it's like New Year's Day. New students to welcome, decorating the classroom, spending time with coworkers I haven't seen all summer. It is usually a time I associate with fun and excitement. There are definitely stressors that go along with the beginning of a new school year, but it is typically the same types of things each year (will I have enough time to get my room ready? how many meetings do I have to sit through? what new things do we have to do this year?) We went back on a Thursday and throughout those two days I was just overwhelmed and busy. Moving classrooms, new team members, still adjusting to a new administration team.
Then the next week began and I kept hitting my snooze button in the mornings (unusual for me). When I got home in the evenings I sat around and didn't really do a whole lot. Dishes needed to be done. Laundry was piling up. I would put the kids to bed around 8pm and immediately went to bed as well. I was spending time in my classroom with my door closed. I just felt numb. I did the basics. I showed up, attended meetings, worked in my room, and went home. I realized after a few days of feeling like this that something wasn't right.
Why was I feeling this way? What should I do about it?
These are probably the toughest questions for someone feeling like this. I've been through a depression before and luckily knew that was the path I was headed down. So I sat down one night and made myself think. What was truly causing me to feel this way? Deep down I was feeling regret. I was wondering what if?
Side story... this past spring I finished a certificate program that gave me an Administration 1 certification. This certification opens up to new possibilities in leadership within the education world. This past summer I did apply for a few other jobs outside of the classroom, but I didn't do much more than fill out an application. I'm not sure why I didn't push harder for these new positions, but I didn't.
Side story #2... our daughter turns 5 this November. We decided to register her for pre-kindergarten at our local school. We don't automatically qualify because of various reasons so we were put on a waiting list, but were told by the principal and the teacher that in the 5 years they had been there, they had never been full so everyone on the waiting list usually got in. If she were to get into this school, then my current position in the classroom would allow me to leave in enough time to be home and get her off the bus in the afternoons. Flash forward to August and we hadn't heard anything from the school, so my husband called and we were told they were full and that our daughter is on a waiting list and we would know more in mid-September.
So here I was sitting in my 5th grade classroom frustrated that I didn't push harder to try to get a new job. Many of my close co-workers left and got new positions that they loved. I was seeing all of their happy stories and wondering what if? What if I had emailed the principal of the school where I had put in an application? What if I wouldn't have worried about trying to be home at a certain time? What if I had tried just a little harder?
It was almost the first day of school and I realized I needed to pull myself together. The jobs were in the past. Our daughter was still going to a great daycare. I had new kids coming on Tuesday and they needed me to be at my best. So what did I do? I picked up the phone and called my mom. She's great at listening and is often my voice of reason when I'm feeling down. (everyone needs that person...I see a future post coming)
While I knew that I still wasn't feeling my best self, I accepted that it was ok to not feel ok. I worked on getting up in the morning, finding the positives in my day, talking with my co-workers, and realizing that I can make every day amazing a little bit at a time. It wasn't going to happen overnight, but I'm ok with that.
I saw this quote online and felt like it deserved to be in this post. I don't know who came up with it and I tried to find who to give credit to online, but was unsuccessful. This is NOT my quote.
My self-care list:
- paint my nails - sometimes I do it myself, sometimes I treat myself to a salon
- workout/run - I'm really good at making excuses, but some days even just 1 mile on the elliptical makes me feel so much better
- take a long, hot shower alone - this is for my fellow mommas out there, taking a shower without kids in the bathroom is a luxury
- go shopping alone - see above :-)
- call my friends - sometimes some girl talk is all we need
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