Learning to Say No... again.

This is another one of my previous blogs that I wanted to bring back. Little did I know when I wrote this in December 2019 just how much our lives would change the next year. I knew I had an issue with anxiety before, but after dealing with the extra stress that 2020 has brought on I knew I needed to get help.

At the beginning of this year, I was starting to be the yes girl again (see the previous blog post below), but I knew for my mental health that I needed to say no. Saying no to your principal is not always the easiest, but I explained what I was going through at home. I was working from home while trying to help my daughter navigate virtual kindergarten. It was a lot. I needed to say no to some things, so that I could put a focus on what was important. This didn't mean I couldn't help others out, I just had to be selective about what I could and couldn't do.

Flash forward a month and I felt like I was finally getting in the groove with virtual learning. I was planning ahead, I was staying on top of my grading, things seemed to be going well, but I still did not feel like myself. I felt exhausted. I noticed that my hair was thinning. I just felt off.

Side note - I am one of the worst at going to the doctor. I usually only go when I am sick, but I decided that it was time. I went in for a routine physical and when the doctor asked me to tell her what was going on I  broke down and started to cry. I had let everything build up inside of me and my body just couldn't hold it in any longer. After talking for awhile, we decided to try some medication and therapy. I have to admit I was a little nervous about medication. I always felt this stigma around anxiety medication, but my best friend who is a pharmacist and my doctor helped explain it to me. They both said, look the medication is just going to help your brain function the way it is supposed to. Mental health should be looked at as an illness and we often use medicine to treat illnesses.

I am happy to admit that I have been taking my medications for 3 weeks now, and I feel absolutely great. I feel normal again. There are still some days that are worse than others, but I feel like I can function. I'm not exhausted all the time. I'm not getting frustrated with my daughter or husband or even my students. I still have a ways to go and unfortunately the stress of the world is not going away any time soon, but it is a step in the right direction. I'm working on becoming the best version of myself again and if my body needs medication to get me there then that is what I am going to do.

Original Post (December 4, 2019):

I had to take a break from posting for a couple of weeks. Honestly, I’ve tried to start this blog post a couple of times now and just wasn’t sure if I should post it or not.

Life has been tough. Work is stressful. Coming home and trying to take care of kids and a house after work pushes me over the top some days.

Last year I was the yes girl. I was the person at work that people would come to if they had problems, needed to ask a question, wanted to talk, etc. I was the person that if you needed something I was going to be there for you or at least point you in the right direction. It gets exhausting. Who is my yes person? Who can I go to with my problems?

I decided that this year I was going to put the word no into my vocabulary. When the committees list came out at the beginning of the year... I signed up for one. When people had questions, I would point them to the right person rather than trying to solve everyone’s problems.

I realized that I was actually doing me at school. I haven’t been behind on my grading. I’ve been planning things a week at a time and not having to run to the copier every single morning.

Then I realized there was someone that needed my help. So I started being a problem solver again. I started saying yes more. To be honest, I didn’t like it. I wasn’t happy again.

Two weeks ago I drove to work (about 45 minutes) and didn’t even remember the drive. I pulled into the parking lot and literally didn’t know how I got there. I didn’t feel right. But I went inside and started my day. All morning I just didn’t feel right. I went through the day as I would any other day, but something was off.

Around lunchtime I looked at my watch and realized my problem. My resting heart rate was 85. That was pretty much the lowest it had been day. I knew right away my blood pressure was up. I probably should have gone to the nurse to have it checked, but I think I didn’t want to know.

I made it to the end of the day. I called my mom on the way home like I always do and just talked. I realized that I needed to take care of myself. I was letting anxiety and stress get the best of me.

I realized that it’s not selfish to say no. We have to start worrying about ourselves first. We have to take care of ourselves so that we can be the best version of us for our friends, family, coworkers, and in my case my students.

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